Two weeks ago, my son turned 13. Wow, I am the mom of an entire teenager.I know, and I appreciate the prayers in advance lol.
My sweet baby boy is now a growing young man.
He is intelligent, empathetic, innovative, funny, and talented. Parenting is the most challenging and most rewarding journey that I have experienced. Thirteen years in, it is still the most humbling experience.
They say that the days are long, but the years are short. It seems like yesterday I was in active labor with contractions coming one minute apart (I have no idea what it feels like to have 5 minutes apart contractions. My boy was ready!) Over the years, I have learned valuable insights about parenting through self-reflection, experience, and honestly… a few tough lessons.
While this is not an exhaustive list, I learned 13 keys and gems on my parenting journey – here are the experiences, lessons, and triumphs I learned along the way.
🔑: I Do Not Have it All Figured Out, and That is Okay
When I was pregnant, I knew exactly how I wanted to raise my son and just knew I had him figured out before he got here (naive for a 21-year-old who was a baby herself, right?).
I knew my son would be quiet and more chill like his parents. Boy, oh boy, was I wrong. My son is an extrovert with a vibrant social life. He is the life of the party and way more outgoing than me. While we have some similarities, I appreciate the uniqueness of my son.
As a first-time parent, I have made many mistakes while raising my son. I do not have the “Perfect Parenting Playbook” (mainly because it does not exist!). When I think I have a handle on something, life throws a curveball, and I am on a different learning curve in another area of parenting.
I learned to give myself grace because just like my son is figuring out life for the first time, I am figuring out being a parent for the first time. As a parent of one child, I am constantly experiencing something new for the first time as he gets older.
I choose to focus on progress instead of perfection. One of my favorite books, Atomic Habits by James Clear, says, “If you can get 1% better each day for one year, you’ll end up 37 times better by the time you are done.” I try to apply this principle to all areas and relationships in my life, especially parenting. Give yourself grace, parents! We are all doing the best we can.
🔑: The POWER of Apologies
I am huge on apologizing to my child. I quickly check my actions, whether I make a mistake, overreact, get frustrated, raise my voice, or may not have been in the best mood when answering a question. My son is a human being with feelings. I recognize that I am not always right and create a space for my son to check me respectfully when needed. It is vital to model accountability by taking responsibility for my choices or actions. I want to make things right for my mistakes, heal the hurt feelings, and restore peace in our relationship.
Additionally, apologizing to my son increases trust and encourages open communication, where he feels safe expressing himself. My priority is a healthy relationship with my son, where he feels respected, loved, empowered, at peace, and secure. I also recognize that I am raising someone’s future husband and father (if he chooses). It is so vital for him to communicate his feelings healthily. I want him to apologize without pride and resolve conflict constructively and efficiently.
✨ Intimate Interlude ✨
There was one time when I was in a rush, and my patience was limited. While trying to accomplish a task, I was short with my son and realized it hurt his feelings. I knew what message intentions I was trying to get across, but my delivery could have been better. I never want to hurt my child or dismiss his feelings; however, sometimes it happens. I went to his room and apologized to him. I took full accountability for my actions and how dismissive and short I was in our last interaction. I then created a space for him to express his thoughts and feelings about our interaction. We reached a resolution where we better understood one another’s point of view, ended with our “I love you,” and went about our day.
🎁 BONUS: Recently, my son wanted to do something at the last minute with his friend. I told him it was not a good day to do this activity, but we could do it another weekend. He was not happy about it and expressed his frustration and how upset he was about it. A few hours later, he apologized, acknowledged how his words impacted me, and explained why he apologized. He ended the apology with “I love you” and wished me safe travels (as I prepared for a trip).
Teaching my son how to apologize has boosted his emotional intelligence, especially regarding empathy and self-awareness. He is better at processing feelings and has developed healthier relationships.
🔑: Create a Safe Space
Aside from physical safety, I always strive to create an emotionally and mentally secure space where my son can open up to me and know that he will be met with compassion, not judged, and that our conversation will remain confidential. Trust is essential, and I do not take his trust lightly. I keep my word, and he knows that if I make a promise, I will keep it.
Growing up (and even now), my son does not have to hug or interact with someone if he does not want to. He has autonomy over his body. If he is uncomfortable around someone or in a particular space, I do not force him to be around that person or in that same space. There have been times when my son has come to me with concerns. I refuse to make someone else comfortable at the expense of my son’s well-being.
Additionally, we both set boundaries, and we honor those boundaries. My son can tell me, “I am uncomfortable talking about that right now.” When he is ready to talk, I am always here for him. He is allowed to process his emotions at his own pace. He can tell me when he does not like something or if I am crossing a boundary. My son knows that he can openly communicate his thoughts, feelings, and concerns with me. He is navigating the world and figuring out so many emotions for the first time. I must give him the space to trust himself, which will boost his self-confidence.
💎: Trust My Intuition
I am incredibly blessed to have a phenomenal village and am so grateful for their support while raising my son. I have encountered so many people during my parenting journey. Over the years, I have received advice (solicited and unsolicited) while raising my son. While people tend to mean well, I am ultimately responsible for my decisions and child. When my son was younger, I was a people-pleaser, caring how others felt about my parenting. As I became more confident as a mother, I honestly couldn’t care less about people’s opinions on how I chose to raise my son (and had no issue expressing that). I have firm boundaries regarding my son and will immediately check disrespect.
One thing that has never failed me is my intuition. I just know things, and they are constantly revealed to me in one way or another, including dreams. My gut feeling has also protected me and my son from many things and people. I always wondered how my mom “just knew” things. My intuition has always been a trusted tool. However, this “mother’s intuition” has taken me to the next level.
💎: Be Present and Cherish the Journey
We experience our children briefly before they embark on their next journey in the world. When I was pregnant, I was told that time would fly by. Thirteen years later, I can attest that it is true. My son glided into the teen years in what seems overnight. I woke up, and he was taller than me. His voice dropped a few octaves! It is bittersweet because while I am so grateful to see him grow into his identity, I see the little time I have left before he graduates high school. I can only imagine the next five years if thirteen years flew by this fast.
Being present is so important. I am intentional about the time we spend together. Giving him my full, undivided attention when he shares something with me or when we hang out together makes a difference and lets him know he is a priority.
We also have little traditions we do together during the week. Currently, we are in this unique phase where my son always goes somewhere with his friends. As an adult, I fondly remember being 13, and understand wanting to hang out with my friends or travel. When my son wants to hang out, go to a movie, or watch a show together, I make time to be available. I soak up these moments, cherishing our shared memories and fun times.
🔑: The Importance of Listening to Understand
Children want to be heard and feel that their voices matter. Their feelings and thoughts are valid. Children experience stress, pain, fear, and every other emotion adults experience. It is important to listen without judgment, assumptions, or trying to tell them how to feel. Children have access to so many things that we may not always be able to control. It is important to stay in tune with what is going on in their world and be open to understanding their perspectives and experiences. When they trust that you will listen (listen to understand and not just to respond), they will feel safe opening up to you. Sometimes they are not looking for advice, just a listening ear. By talking through what they are experiencing, they are simultaneously processing.
Additionally, raising a child in this era is entirely different from the era that I grew up in. Children experience different battles and challenges while growing up. Between social media, the numerous pressures children face, and advanced technology, they deal with a lot.
My son and I have navigated numerous uncomfortable conversations, and he needed to be heard when sharing his thoughts, fears, or challenges. His mental health and overall well-being are priorities, and I want to make sure he has the right tools to navigate this ever-changing society.
🔑: Being Open to Change
CHANGE. This word can be daunting. As I raise my son, I will usually need to adapt. What worked when he was four is not necessarily applicable at age nine or even 13. Once you get a system going… BOOM, another level of “change” is unlocked, lol. What he liked yesterday? Yea… that is not applicable today. That goes from food to fashion, books, music, movies, and everything else.
So much has changed over the years. For example, he called me “Baby” instead of Mommy for most of my his life. Everyone knew that when he asked for “Baby,” he meant Mommy. When he got a bit older, it turned to Mama. Occasionally, he lets “BRUH” slip out, and I must remind him I am not “BRUH.”
The books he reads have turned from Diary of a Wimpy Kid to super long novels/series with no illustrations, lol. His bookshelf in his room is filled with books. His fashion has changed (and so has my budget, lol). This boy is almost in an 11-MENS shoe (and don’t let me get started on the growth spurts)!! He wears cologne and uses my hair products like they are going out of style! Yes, he has his own (which are great), but he swears mine are better. I still wonder what “drip,” “rizz,” and every other Gen-Z/Gen Alpha lingo means.
His opinions also evolve as he gets older. I am constantly changing my approach to handling certain situations and letting go of what no longer serves our dynamic. Flexibility is key. Sometimes, my son is teaching me a thing or two. Being a parent is not to control your child. It is a learning experience for you and your child. You learn something new every day, and sometimes, your child will be the one to give you insight or a different perspective. I love seeing the world through his eyes. Children are bright and can sense more than they usually get credit for.
🔑: Showing Up and Loving Them
Children need you to show up and be present. Showing up does not just mean parent/teacher conferences or school activities. Yes, those are important. However, supporting them emotionally, spiritually, and mentally is equally important. My son and I celebrate successes and navigate through those failures with comfort, reflection, and support. We discuss the peak and pit of our days. We discuss what is “new and good.”
Showing up also means allowing them to be who they indeed are and not who you “think” they should be. Accept them for who they are, what they like, and who they love. This builds trust because they know they can count on you and have your support throughout life. You are your child’s most prominent advocate, and they should always feel safe with you and know you are in their corner.
My son knows my love is unconditional and that I will always be there when he needs it in the most healthy and supportive way possible. Children need to know real, pure love. Hurt people, hurt people. I have noticed that sometimes, children who did not experience love in their childhood (and did not do the work to heal) repeat cycles of trauma in future relationships into adulthood (whether with friends, colleagues, romantic partners, or raising children). They will often repeat behaviors that their parents modeled. Breaking generational curses is a real thing. You identify behaviors and choose to stop harmful or toxic cycles that have passed throughout your family lineage. Introduce positive new patterns and allow for healthy and open communication, regulated emotions, and loving your children without conditions, strings, or threats.
🔑: Pick and Choose Your Battles Wisely
My son may have often wanted to wear something that did not match or do something that did not logically make sense. At first, I would try to explain to him why there were better methods than this. After exhausting so much energy into something he was unwilling to comprehend because he was determined to do it his way, I just let it be. (Again, I was once his age, and that perspective humbled me).
I had to ask myself, “Would this put him in harm’s way?” “Will it impact him negatively?” “Is it really as big of a deal as I may think?” And honestly, ten times out of ten, the answer was no. Recognizing that these things honestly did not matter changed my perspective and allowed flexibility in how I approached things. I prioritized what was important and put my energy into his development.
Instead, my focus shifted to ensuring my child had good manners, was respectful, and was a good human being since those have lasting impacts. I reached the point where if he wants to wear a hoodie in 90-degree weather and wear mixed-matched socks, go for it. His clothes are clean, and that is a win. He has his routine these days, and I am fine as long as he gets what he is required to do (homework, chores, etc.) on time. He is learning time management and personal responsibility. In this case, that is another win.
💎: Self-Care is NECESSARY
In my opinion, self-care is not selfish; it is NECESSARY. To be transparent, I failed miserably at this when my son was younger. As a young mother, I was still learning myself, and when motherhood came along, it was a difficult journey to navigate my identity during the first few years. My body and mental health went through so much trauma and changes. It was a challenging season of my life. I honestly wish I was kinder to myself during that period.
I was a woman before I became a mother; motherhood is not my sole identity. When I care for myself, I am recharged and can show up as my best self as a mother and in every other relationship. Pouring into myself is essential and allows me to fill my son’s cup and other relationships because I cannot pour from an empty cup. I can respond in a better headspace with love and compassion, not burnout and “running off fumes.”
Implementing Self-Care
In my journal, I list 20 self-care items I enjoy, and I make it a point to do at least three of them a day. Self-care looks different for everyone. What some consider self-care, others consider maintenance. (Ex. Some people think pedicures are self-care, while others believe pedicures are apart of their maintenance). It is whatever works for you. My definition of self-care is doing an activity I thoroughly enjoy that nurtures my spirit and brings me pure happiness. My list is centered around those things. I also have a gratitude journal that I write in daily.
My Mental Health
Prioritizing my mental health and enforcing my boundaries has also made an enormous difference. I exercise daily (health is wealth) and attend therapy regularly. My son deserves a happy and well-balanced Mama. He can sense my energy if I am stressed, exhausted, frustrated, or sad. By modeling self-care, my son takes self-care seriously and implements it daily. He has his self-care routines, and I am so proud of him for finding what works for him.
💎: Capturing the Moments
I love documenting memories. It is one of my favorite things to do. I want to capture all the moments even though 95 percent of them never see the light of day. Some things are just for the memory treasure chest and my loved ones. I only share a small portion of my life because I appreciate and protect the privacy of my little world, especially when it comes to my family. As a first-time mom, I will say that I have documented nearly every aspect of my son’s life, saved the artwork, baby clothes, shoes, school projects, report cards, and everything in between.
I always had a disposable camera in middle school and those chunky digital cameras in high school and college. Pictures and videos forever freeze a memory in time. My son has had annual photoshoots since birth, and I am amazed at his yearly growth. I am always capturing photos or videos of him at every sporting event, school play, or activity so he can have something to look at one day. I’ll also create memory albums and send some to family members and loved ones. Sometimes, I catch myself going down memory lane in awe of his growth and transformation.
✨ Intimate Interlude ✨
Christmas is such a magical experience, and my son loves it. We have many traditions and always look forward to that time of year. Elf on the Shelf was a huge tradition in our household for many years. I documented the Elf on the Shelf journey over the years and created memory books that his Elf would bring to him yearly, including books of the previous year’s antics. Additionally, his Elf would send out keepsake books to his grandparents and great-grandparents so they could be included in the fun! It was a beautiful experience that he could reflect on, including his grandparents and great-grandparents living in another state.
🔑: Make sure to get pictures and videos WITH your kids. Sometimes, we are so used to being behind the camera that we do not capture those moments together!
🔑: Patience is Key
Parenting will test your patience. I am learning that teenage parenting tests your patience on an entirely different level, and I am still navigating this journey. I find myself pausing, taking deep breaths, and processing before responding. Some days are interesting, and I do not know what I am walking into. Now that my son is a teenager, he is figuring out many things about himself. Lately, every day has been different. He may not be interested in what he liked last week anymore. So many changes are happening, and sometimes, he may be unable to express his feelings or what is happening within him.
As a parent, this can be frustrating. I want to be able to fix all of my son’s problems, although that is not realistic. However, it is essential to remember that they are frustrated, too, because they are experiencing many new things simultaneously. I can empathize with him and understand that processing these experiences can be daunting. Patience has taught me to love and support my son through the good and challenging days, mistakes, and learning experiences. It’s all part of the process.
✨ Intimate Interlude ✨
I recently worked on a school project with my son. We were up late trying to put the finishing touches on this project. He was not in the best mood and had a negative outlook. While frustrated, he made mistakes by rushing, which only amplified his frustrations and delayed completion. I observed him in his frustration and did not want to “mother” him or tell him what “he should” or “should not” do. Quietly, I walked to my music corner and turned on a jazz song (that is pretty lengthy) that he loves and always seems to calm him. He did not say anything and kept working. I saw his stress decrease; he stopped rushing and focused on his work. He completed his project without another complaint, and his spirits were higher. Sometimes, doing things like that in the background makes a huge difference.
🔑: Shifting from Protector to Guide
As much as I want to protect my son, I cannot shield him from everything. When he was younger, protecting him, making decisions on his behalf, and ensuring his security were necessary. While this is still the case, the roles are swiftly changing. I must admit that this is a challenging transition, although it is needed.
My once-baby boy is now transforming into a more independent and responsible young man. I do not dictate; I give him room to make choices and explore. He is entering a phase where he must consider the consequences of his actions when making decisions. I am preparing him for the world where he will experience adulthood, raise a family (if he chooses), and ultimately thrive. I want him to trust his judgment and be self-sufficient, confident, and capable of handling challenges.
There will be times when he makes mistakes, and I give him the room to process those mistakes, reflect on his decisions so that we can discuss them. I never want my child to be afraid to come to me because he thinks he messed up so badly. I will always be here to guide and advise him, encourage him to solve problems, help him make informed decisions, and support whatever he needs, catching him if he ever stumbles. It is important for him to know that his Mama will be here for him no matter what.
🎁: BONUS- Let Them Have Responsibility
When my son was younger, I wanted things done a certain way around the house, so I would clean up and pick up after him. Soon, I realized I was hindering him. How could I teach him responsibility when I was doing everything? Sure, he would do “small tasks” around the house, but I knew one day he would grow up and not know how to do anything for himself.
Around first grade, I started allowing him to help independently around the house. As he completed his assigned tasks, he felt proud of his work. I would focus on his efforts through positive reinforcement when doing chores like cleaning his room or bathroom, washing the dishes, or doing laundry.
I am grateful because it has made things run smoothly in our household. My son’s room is immaculately clean every day. He makes his bed daily, has been doing his laundry for the past few years (most times, it goes well, lol), and he takes pride in completing his chores. My son even takes pride in organizing the fridge and pantry (outside his chore list). (I won’t complain!) When he helps cook, he is more excited to eat something he created with his hands.
🎁: BONUS- Extending Grace to My Parents
It is so easy to judge some of the things your parents did while you were growing up. My perspective shifted when I became a parent myself. Sometimes, you do not fully grasp experiences until you are in a similar situation. When my parents were my age, D (36) and M (34), they were raising my brother (13) and me (11). They were doing their best and did not have the “Perfect Parenting Playbook” either (No worries, it did not exist then either). I can understand their perspectives on their decisions, although I may not agree with all of them. I learned that, just like me, they were doing their best with what they knew. While much of my parenting style differs from my parents, I can appreciate the woman and mother I have become today. Some of their lessons and wisdom have guided me on my parenthood journey.
As a side note, the same parents who raised my brother and me are NOT the same as my son’s grandparents. I do not know who these people are, haha! They always tell me they would have grandkids first if they could, lol! My son is so blessed to have grandparents who love him deeply.
Conclusion
This season of my life is truly a joy and a gift. It is a beautiful journey that I do not take for granted. I am privileged to raise my son, watch him experience life, and transform into a thoughtful, compassionate, empathetic, intelligent young man.
As a parent, I am constantly learning, growing, and evolving. The woman and mother I was 13 years ago, five years ago, three years ago, or even just last year is not the same woman and mother I am today. You know what? I am okay with that because I will continue to grow on this journey.
Parenthood is a continuous learning experience filled with peaks and pits, and I hope some of these Keys and Gems resonated with you. Please share any tips you have learned over the years from your experiences. I would love to hear about them as we navigate the teenage years. There is still so much to learn!
