Valentine’s Day Surprise

***TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post discusses emotionally and verbally abusive experiences that readers may find traumatic***

Valentine’s Day is a very special time for Jailen and I. Today marks TEN years (wow time flies!) since I found out I was pregnant with my little jellybean. Every year, we have a special Valentine’s Day tradition together and we look forward to it every year. Jailen loves that I found out I was pregnant on V-Day because that was the first time I knew he existed. He also loves that he is my forever Valentine. However, Valentines Day was not always associated with a great memory. In fact, Valentine’s Day 2011 was the complete opposite.

Valentine’s Day 2011

Two lines. That is what I saw as I sat in the bathroom. It was Valentine’s Day 2011 and I was pregnant. I was 20 years old and in my junior year of college at North Carolina A&T State University. I never aspired to be a mother. It was never really on my radar. Sure, I was open to the idea of children, but I was focused on my education and career. That was priority. In the moment I found out I was going to be a Mommy, I felt a change. The feeling is indescribable, but a switch flipped. A flood of emotions rushed through me. I was in disbelief looking at that little stick. However, for the past couple of weeks, I knew something was “off.” I had not missed “Aunt Flow” yet, but I could tell something different was going on with my body.

My pregnancy experience is something I will share at a later time, because it is a story that needs to be told. A lot of things happened that I am not ready to fully speak about on my blog. However, right now I will focus on Valentine’s week 2011, which was traumatic at best.

The Day After

The day after Valentine’s, my partner at the time drove me to the abortion clinic. I was in a trance and scared. I remember that day so clearly and very little people know the details. There was so much going on and I was trying to process A LOT. Upon arrival, he spoke most of the time and the lady told him it was my decision and tried to give me some comfort about the process. He pushed back and told her the abortion needed to be scheduled for that week. The only time available was Friday at 10 AM, and that was due to a cancellation. After the appointment was booked, I spent the rest of that week stressed out and crying because I was pressured and bribed by my ex to abort my child.

Some of the things that were said to me by my ex I still cannot bring myself to reveal on my blog yet, but the words pierced my heart and I felt my world shatter around me. Scared and not knowing what to do, I drove home to my safe place in Virginia the evening before the scheduled abortion. I needed to be with my Mom and I needed to clear my head. My ex rode with me while torturing and emotionally and verbally abusing me the entire time I drove to Virginia. Little did I know, that would just be the beginning of a very traumatic and abusive pregnancy experience.

MOVING FORWARD

After my son Jailen was born, It was important for me to attach a new memory and experience to Valentine’s Day moving forward. I wanted to change the narrative of my negative experience associated with this day and the toxic experience I went through.

Ever since my little Valentine surprise popped up in my life, I make sure this day is super special for Jailen. Each year, Jailen I have our Valentine’s tradition where we go on our Mommy and Son date, I give him gifts (he makes me beautiful presents as well), and we watch movies and spend uninterrupted time together. Once the world opens back up, we will be back traveling for Valentine getaways. When I was in college and law school, I would drive back home to spend the weekend doing all the fun things with him and would mail him Valentine care packages (he LOVES to get mail lol).

I pulled a few select pictures from the archives to share our moments over the years. Others I chose to keep for myself and my memories.

• 

• 

• 

This once painful and traumatic memory, is now a special tradition filled with love and joy for me and my little one. He looks forward to our Valentine’s Day traditions and is super excited for our time together. He is my reminder that true joy and happiness exists after a storm. I cherish each Valentine’s Day even more now. Below I have provided five keys on how I changed my narrative from this traumatic experience and the other events that soon followed. I will dedicate a full post to this in the future because I believe this information is important.

FIVE KEYS ON HOW I CHANGED MY NARRATIVE:

🔑 Acknowledge The Trauma and Begin Healing

Traumatic experiences can be very difficult to cope with. Oftentimes, people can attach a bad experience to a date, place, or thing for example. In my case, I realized it was the trauma (and some triggers) and not Valentine’s Day. Once I recognized that, I was able to work through the root of the issue. However, I must note that it was important for me to acknowledge my feelings and what contributed to those feelings.

Healing does NOT happen overnight. Oh how I wished it did. I had to remember to not only be patient with myself, but also KIND to myself. Healing takes time. I also had to learn to trust myself again and others. To aid in my healing process, I went to therapy and it made a tremendous difference in my life.

🔑 Identify and Manage Triggers

This is major key. It is important to recognize what exactly triggers you. Triggers are a flashback of a traumatic experience. This can lead to setbacks, panic attacks, anxiety, and a host of other things. Many things can be a trigger. It can be a song, a scent, a certain car, or color. Triggers can bring feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and anger. However, I have learned that my triggers are my responsibility. It is up to me to work through them and heal.

Pause, take a deep breath, and reflect. Be compassionate with yourself as you figure out what you need based upon that trigger. It is important to react rationally and thoroughly assess why you are feeling triggered. Once you have learned to successfully manage your triggers in a healthy way, you will begin to operate from a place of power instead of a place of dependency.

🔑 Shift Your Mindset

Have you heard of the statement “Change your mindset, change your life” before? It truly works. Our mind is so powerful. You can command, co-create, and manifest whatever you put your mind towards. I could either sit and woe about a traumatic experience, or decide to embrace new memories. Once I stopped focusing on my trauma and poured into my healing journey, my mindset changed. Sure, triggers come up, but I know how to deal with them effectively and set boundaries on what I allow in my mind.

Additionally, I pray and mediate. My daily mantras and affirmations that I speak are helpful tools as well. Replacing negative thought patterns with positive and healing ones will make a tremendous difference. Once I recognize a pattern or behavior in my mind that I know will potentially lead me into downward spiral, I immediately interrupt that thought. I choose to focus on things that bring me peace and happiness, and my life has become one that is filled with those things.

🔑 Have a Healthy Support System

It is important to surround yourself with healthy and uplifting people that will encourage you during your healing journey. The people in my village are truly the best. I am so grateful for those that check on me, spend time with me, pray for and with me, and truly care about my well-being. We are on this earth to help one another. When I have moments of self-doubt or sadness, my village encourages me and pushes me along the way. My village does not judge me and they always stay ten toes down for me. They hold me accountable and speak life into me. I trust them and we have a solid bond.

🔑 Reclaim Your POWER

The experience is NOT about THEM. It is about your healing. You are powerful and worthy. When you reclaim your power, how you view yourself changes. You become stronger and have confidence in your abilities. You release shame and you embrace the positive change.

There are so many things that no longer bother me because I decide to not let certain experiences have power over me. I recognize that I am not in that same headspace and I also am no longer that person I was at 20 years old. I am big on setting boundaries and speaking my truth. I have evolved so much and my confidence has skyrocketed. More importantly, I have worked too damn hard to get to this place and it feels AMAZING!

If you have reached the end of this post, thank you so much for reading. I appreciate the support and I hope that this post has helped someone.

Wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day with your loved ones from me and my young Jedi. May the Valentine FORCE be with you. Cheers!

• 

• 

•